TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from location. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have An additional place exactly where American Adult males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer Everybody a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It really is that he must quit applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting attention from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build Trump Tower Damascus a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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